Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Happy Halloween Officer!

I awoke with a sharp pain throbbing in my head. My mouth tasted as if I was trekking through a desert for days with no water...but with several packs of bogeys. This wouldn't be the first time in my life I woke up in this physical state, so I reached into my pockets to check my phone and gather my bearings. Pockets empy. This wouldn't be the first time I woke up in this physical state, without any of my personal belongs, so I opened my eyes and rolled over to examine the environment. Upon turning on my side, I realized my face was literally six inches from a toilet. This wouldn't be the first time I woke up in this physical state, in a bathroom, without any of my personal belongings.

Suddenly, I realized this was not a normal toilet, but a Stainless Steel Toilet. I knew I could be in only one place: a jail cell. At this moment I also came upon another startling realization: my hair was long enough to drape over my shoulders. Also, my cell mate was laying on a wooden slab wrapped up in bandages. Could it be? Have I really been locked up long enough to grow twenty inches of hair while my cell mate withered away and died? Instead of freaking out, I hopped up and took a shit in the stainless steel toilet. Nature called. There was no toilet paper, so I cautiously unwrapped some of my cell mates bandages so I could finish wiping, because no job is finished until the paper work is done.

After cleaning up, it was time to figure out what was going on.  I walked up to the bars and began shouting, and a man in a police uniform walked up to the cell.

“Shut up Miller,” said the officer. 

“I’ll shut up when you’ve explained to me why I’ve been confined to this cell for years with a dead man, you fuck! HAR!  Where is my stuff, I want my lawyer!”

“Calm down you drunk.  Last night was Halloween and we brought you in for disorderly conduct….again,” proclaimed the guardsman as he threw an egg-croissant sandwich into my cell.  “Now sit there and be quiet until a Judge comes in, and eat somethin’ for Christ’s sake.”

Suddenly, everything started to make sense to me.  I grabbed the hair on my head, which I now knew was a Halloween wig, and ripped it off.  I realized my cell mate was just a drunk idiot who dressed up as a mummy.  And at some point during last night’s festivities, I was arrested for being a Champion.  Having been in this situation before, I knew I would not learn anything else until I saw a judge, so I decided to relax and eat the provided breakfast.  After finishing the meal like Paul Rudd, I waited patiently to be called to the court room.

After what seemed like an eternity, the guard finally came back and escorted the mummy and me to the court room to appear before an "honorable" judge.  When it was my turn, I was told that I was being charged with Drunken Disorderly Conduct and a court date was scheduled.  When I was finally released, I used the court documents given to me and testimony from my friends to piece together my night.

Apparently, my night started out fun.  I dressed up as Joe Dirt, pounded shots of cheap rum, and went to the bar.  My girl at the time happened to be tending bar there, but I was still ruthlessly hitting on every Naughty Nurse and Slutty Sailor right in front of her.  When we went back to her apartment, I began the transformation that normally occurs when I consume an inhumane amount of alcohol.
While in that state of mind, I began head butting doors and juggling knives.  The chaos that ensued startled everyone in the apartment complex and a crowd formed.  Being a champion, I love when fans gather to witness me hoisting the trophy, but this time there were also police officers.  When they tried to subdue me, I fought them off until a group of them finally wrestled me to the pavement and cuffed me.  As they struggled to push me into the patrol car, I was seen screaming, "ITS NOT OVER! ITS NOT OVER" 

So, thats what happened, and the truth is, it wasn't over until lawyer fees and fines were paid.  A nice Halloween contribution to the Oneonta Government courtesy of your local neighborhood Champion.

No comments:

Post a Comment