I fuckin’ HATE romantic comedies. Whose brilliant idea was it to create a genre of film that gives women unrealistic expectations about dating and finding love? Who is the genius that realized you can fictionalize the hopes and dreams of every young girl who still possesses the ignorance that’s needed to believe they’ll live happily ever after. Obviously a non-champion. My idea of a romantic comedy is Full Metal Jacket, or if that’s too hard for you pussies to swallow than I guess I can settle for Goodfellas. But not the Goodfellas that is edited for TV, that one is just plain soft. That’s the version I show my kids when they get home from Kindergarten on a rainy afternoon, after I finish giving them their daily lecture on knife throwing.
Anyways, I know if I keep this up I’ll end up going off on a tangent for hours, fueled by my hatred for romantic comedies, which is pretty ironic considering all of my romantic relationships have ended pretty comically. Fuckin’ sluts. Now since I’m on the topic of films and cinema, allow me to introduce to you the newest member of the Hall of Champions. A man whose name I did not take the time to find out, because I don’t really care who he is, for he is being inducted based on the merit of a single movie he created. A movie that is basically an instructional video that teaches its viewers how to be men, or better yet, how to be Champions. So ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you HOC inductee number four – the guy who made the movie Predator.
The movie follows an elite Special Forces team, led by 'Dutch' (Arnold Schwarzenegger), on a mission to rescue hostages from guerrilla territory in Central America. Unbeknownst to the group, they are being hunted by a technologically advanced form of Extraterrestrial Life, aka the fuckin’ Predator. Now besides Arnold, the cast features Jessie “The Body” Ventura and Apollo Creed from Rocky. I don’t know how so many champions’ can be assembled under one roof, but I’m almost positive that those champs being in the same vicinity for so long somehow created a rift in the universe that contributed to Global Warming, the Iraq War, and the international financial crisis in the late 2000’s. The first time I saw the movie I was captivated, and after watching an early scene that included the most manly handshake ever captured on film, I knew I wanted to grow up to be a Champion:
After that fateful arm-wrestle/handshake, the movie really takes off. Every few seconds it seems like there’s another explosion followed by a few hundred violent enemy deaths. And to top it off, the movie is packed with one-liners that Champions actually say in everyday situations that they commonly encounter. One of my favorites is right after Arnold throws a massive knife into the back of an enemy he shouts, “Stick Around!” That is classic post-stabbing Champion taunting right there. Another great line is when Jessie The Body says, “I don’t have time to bleed,” a line that is not only manly because of how non-fuck-giving it is, but because basic factual anatomy studies prove a woman could never say it. Women do have time to bleed, once a month for about a week to be exact.
Then we have the eponymous villain of the film, and personally, I don’t know what the fuck it is. All I do know is that it is bad ass and a champion in its own right. The creature shoots lasers, blends in with its environment like a Chameleon, and sees everything with this crazy infrared vision while effortlessly jumping through a rainforest. All of this multitasking is done while the Predator is disposing of puny humans left and right. The Predator's appearance is so savage that it has inspired a plethora of nicknames in the world of sports. Any football player with dreadlocks or a unique facemask can be referred to as “the Predator", like Marion Barber or Chris Canty.
I’m not going to spoil the end of the movie or any other elements of the plot in case some people haven’t seen it yet, but then again, if you haven’t seen Predator you probably don’t read my blog because you’re definitely a bitch. So guy who made Predator, I am happy to welcome you to the Hall of Champions. Save some J for the rest of us!