Sunday, October 23, 2011

Hall of Champions Inductee #3

Let me start off by apologizing for the lack of posts recently.  Although Champions don’t have to give any justification for their actions, I feel like my readers deserve some sort of explanation for my absence.  Basically what happened was that I just finished working at an old job, and I have a couple of weeks until I start a new career with a better employer.  This means I have a couple of weeks without anything to do.  Most people would probably relax, spend some quality time with a significant other, or maybe finish a project around the house while they have the free time.  Nope.  Not me. I literally went out every night, got hammered, chased skirts, did jiff, ripped off my shirts mid-party, and won championships.  I even made an impulsive trip to Oneonta where I took binge drinking to a new level.  My performance was on par with Albert Pujols recent three-home-run World Series outing, and considering the fact that I did it every night for seven days, some might say I outplayed him.  So fellow champions, that is why I have been MIA.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I want to be honest with everyone - sometimes being a Champion sucks.  I hope my readers can appreciate the courage it took for me to admit that, but when it comes to honesty it’s all worth it.  So with that being said, you should know I was definitely just lying.  Being a Champ is fuckin’ awesome.  Always was, always will be.  It never sucks.  So while we’re discussing the expected criteria needed to be a champion, allow me to introduce to everyone the newest member to the Hall of Champions. 

Jasper Newton Daniel, aka fuckin’ Champion.   A man who is such a Champion that even his Wikipedia entry doesn’t know the exact date of his birth.  And better yet, his date of birth isn’t known because his birth records were destroyed in a courthouse fire that he probably started.  That fact alone could be enough to elevate his existence to Champion status, but his legacy will be passed on for something else.  Jasper Newton Daniel happens to be the founder of the Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey Distillery, also known as the “Jack Daniels Distillery.”  And everyone knows that some things run on gas…other things run on batteries….but Champions run on Jack Daniels.  Let me share an exact quote from a real life situation that exemplifies JD’s potency:
“Hey Champ, how come everything in town has been completely destroyed….and why are all of the men dead and all of the women pregnant?”
“I’m not sure, but I drank Jack Daniels last night.”
“Oh no wonder! By the way, you’re really handsome!”
“Awwww…thanks Meghan Fox!”

Possibly the greatest alcoholic beverage in the history of binge drinking, Jack Daniel’s was introduced to the world in 1875 - and being a Champion hasn’t been the same since.  When an athlete feels like they need to re-energize after a tough game, they normally reach for an electrolyte-boosting drink like Gatorade or Powerade.  When a champion needs to enhance their performance, we throw back a few shots and within seconds there is a noticeable increase in irresponsible and reckless behavior.  If it wasn’t for Jack Daniels and the unique chemical reactions it causes in my brain, I would still have a number of good relationships with women, several of the nice cell phones I smashed, and the thousands of dollars I had to hand over to my lawyer and the government.  However, I would not be in possession of so many MVP trophies and championship rings, and this blog would most likely not exist to entertain my loyal readers. 
So Jack Daniels, on behalf of my fans, I would like to thank you for making this blog possible, and I would also like to welcome you to the Hall of Champions. 
Also, I am now back in full force, and I will be regularly updating like normal.  In fact, I’m currently debating which story I should share tomorrow, but it’s either going to be about the time I got arrested in Sea Side Heights, or the time this stupid girl pooped in my presence.  I’ll leave that to your imaginations for now……

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