Most people have some type of remedy that they can turn to when they’re having trouble falling asleep. Another similar concept is that most men have an idea that they can think of to aid they’re limp penis when they’re too fucked up too perform. An idea that can inspire they’re dick to hardness. And to top it off, some men can continue to be complete savages when they’re heartbeat is fluttering like the wings of a hummingbird. When all of you’re body’s blood supply is preoccupied with rebuilding the capillaries that were destroyed after your most recent jiff night, and there’s a sexy Asian straddling you, you know you’re a unique breed. When you still have the mental tact to get good grades for not only yourself, but for a friend who pays you to write their final paper, you are a rare specimen. A specimen who can somehow manage to find the jiff from a mentally impaired cab driver in the same night that he throws his door, chair, and desk fan out of his second story window. When said man goes out and drinks liquor, his friends warn the community that “the dragon’s out of the lair.”
It would be an injustice to say that what I just described is a human, almost as much of an injustice as allowing Ethiopians to enter marathons against normal folk. Almost as much of an injustice as Ja Rule trying to maintain his career after calling out Eminem in a rap battle. Almost as much of an injustice as the last time people thought I would lose a championship. They were wrong.
So now, after almost a month of publishing stories that detail the debauchery and social destruction that I cause at a whim, I present to you the Ultimate Champ. His name is Deputy Doofy, and he is a martyr amongst men. Since I am a champ, I don’t believe in religion, but I now believe in reincarnation. The black man in this video is the reincarnation of Deputy Doofy inspiring the world to be Champions:
*To avoid confusion for my non-Oneonta readers, the Deputy Doofy I was referring to is not the bumbling idiot from Scary Movie. I'm describing one of my boys who happens to share the same name. Champion out.