The first time I woke up in a perplexing situation was when I was at the ripe age of 16. It was before I started disintegrating the inner workings of my nasal cavity, and all I did was drink and fuck my 15 year old girlfriend. I used to choke the shit out of her when I fucked her. Not only did I choke her, I fucked her in my unfinished basement on an old futon that I vomited on after a night of Irish Car Bombs and a gravity bong. She was no better than any of my other possessions.
On this particular night, I remember a light fog hanging over the cool spring air. Or maybe I was just really shitfaced. I just finished having sex, and I needed a bogey. Without hesitation, I grabbed my car keys and headed out the door.
“Wait!” shouted my slut. “You took like 15 shots, you can’t drive.”
“Bogeys,” I grunted.
“Let me drive at least,” she pleaded.
I laughed hysterically for fifteen minutes before I proclaimed, “You’re a female, you sit in the fuckin’ back”
Sometimes you have to remind them who dominates and who subdues. The conversation that just happened will be a common theme in my life journey, although it will be presented in a wide variety of ways.
Anyways, after she got in the car, I sped away from my house, purposely running over my neighbor’s lawn because it’s next to mine. Give me some fuckin space when I’m drunk. After I turned onto the main street, I started hunting for a gas station. When I pulled up to an intersection, I caught my first red light. A piece of shit suburu pulled up alongside me. Now I was hammered, but I could’ve swore the guy driving it was staring at me. In reality, he didn’t even glance at me.
Being a Champion, I could not let a person who is not staring at me get away with staring at me. To my girlfriend’s horror, I rolled down my window and leaned my head out.
“HEY,” I shouted, “what the fuck man?”
The man driving the car still didn’t look over. I took this as a direct insult to my masculinity. I grabbed a handful of debris from my car’s ash tray and threw it in his direction. The man looked over at me, our eyes met, and a fire lit in the pit of my stomach that erupted through my whole body. Regardless of whether or not he actually looked at me before, now he definitely was. I could sense the fear that was overwhelming my girl in the back seat, but I heeded her not. Next thing I knew my whole torso was out the window and I was screaming obscenities that humans had not yet attached a definition to. My voice was projecting with such power that Doppler radar was picking up the disturbance.
Then, the suburu was gone. The light turned green and the man sped away. There was no way I would let this man who didn’t do anything get away with not doing anything, so I floored my gas pedal in hot pursuit.
Unfortunately, I was fifteen shots deep, so my foot was a tad on the heavy side. My car jerked forward so forcefully that my girl was tossed into the front seat. I over-compensated the over-acceleration by breaking too hard, and once again she was in the back seat. To an outside observer the movement of my car looked like a prostitute’s head when getting skull fucked.
After laughing at the situation, I finally steadied the pace of my car but the suburu was long gone. However, I had new company…flashing lights in my rear view mirror.
“Fuck,” I mumbled, knowing that there was nowhere to run.
For a second I pondered holding my girlfriend hostage at knife point and attempting to escape back to my house, but I realized that could potentially make the situation worse. In hindsight, I wish I had at least tried.
I pulled off to the side of the road, and the cop walked up to my door and asked me if I had been drinking. After exchanging disrespectful banter, he made me get out of the car and do the standard sobriety tests. To everyone’s amazement, I passed all of the field tests. And since most cops have nothing to do except harass us, there were three more police cars that pulled up at this point. I was loving my audience, bowing and demanding applause after each passed test.
This did not make the cops happy. They threw me in the back of the paddy wagon and made me blow into a breathalyzer. Next thing I knew they picked me up and threw handcuffs on me. Coincidentally, at the precise moment the cuffs clicked into a locked position on my wrists, my girlfriend’s father pulled up.
Now this man already hated me. I can only imagine having to get out of bed at 1AM on a work night to pick up my fifteen year old daughter who was in the car with her sixteen year old boyfriend while he was heavily intoxicated and witness him getting cuffed as soon as I pull up.
Needless to say, my penis never entered that vagina again.
The rest of the night is kind of blurry, as my body fully absorbed the entirety of my alcohol consumption on the ride to the police station. Next thing I knew I woke up in my bed fully clothed with my Jordan’s on, my license revoked for a year, and my parents really pissed off. I was also extremely confused.