Tips When Battling a Champ

Since I’m a Champion, a lot of people assume that I am invincible.  These people are correct in their assumption.  I am invincible.  However, when facing me in battle, there are some things that can be used against me that will temporarily weaken me.  In a way, it is kind of like Superman after he is exposed to kryptonite, but the things I am talking about actually exist.  Superman is a fictional character, I am a real life champion, and I like a fair fight every once in a while.  For this reason, I am going to share with you three things that will effectively suppress my attacks long enough for an opponent to either run away from me or achieve a false sense of confidence that will cause them to continue battling me and eventually be annihilated. 

1. Norv Turner's Neck

Norv Turner’s neck is so disgusting that it stops me in my tracks no matter what I’m doing so I can regurgitate everything in my body that I haven’t yet shit out.  The thought of it alone makes me want to gouge my own eyes out with my bare hands.  And if I am forced to learn Braille because of this self-imposed blindness, and someone makes me feel the little bumps that spell “Norv Turner’s neck,” I will saw off my fingers with a dull knife and never read again.  Seriously Norv, what the fuck is going on there.  It’s as if your neck is aging ten times faster than the rest of your body.  Your neck looks like a brown paper bag that’s been crumpled up.  Your wardrobe should be nothing but turtlenecks.  Ya know what they say about wrinkly necks, right?  Nothing, because until you were born, no neck has existed that looks like a mixture between a Pug’s face and fingertips that were in the pool for too long.  It’s too bad disgusting necks don’t translate to winning seasons, because then you might not be one of the worst coaches in the history of sports.  And seriously, that neck man….what the fuck.

2. Pale Chicks

If you don’t happen to have Norv Turner’s neck handy, then the next best thing you could do to stop my onslaught is to physically transform into a pale chick.  Nothing makes me drop everything and run away screaming while flailing my arms like the sight of pasty skin on an otherwise attractive girl. It’s not a coincidence that terrifying monsters like Vampires, Mummy’s and Yeti’s are all white as fuck.  Seriously girls, there is absolutely no reason you should not have a bronze skin tone to compliment your god given features (boobs and butts).  Before I start talking to a girl at a bar, I hold up a small piece of paper that is colored with a tan hue and compare it to their skin – kind of like homeowners using paint swatches to help them choose a new color when they’re redecorating the foyer to impress the judgemental neighbors. The most widely accepted excuse for not tanning amongst young women is that overexposure to the sun and frequent tanning booth usage can lead to different skin diseases when they get older.  Okay, but sometimes in life you have to take risks.  If you don’t get tan now and continue to look like a model from a picture painted in the 1700's, you’re not going to attract any worthwhile suitors.  Therefore, by the time you’re 40 and you look like Cruella De Vil, you’re going to be alone and miserable anyways.  I guess it’s a lose-lose situation. 

3. Vegans

And lastly, if you can’t produce any of the things I just mentioned, just tell me you are a Vegan.  If you do this, you will piss me off so much that I will beat the shit out of myself.  Nothing makes me want to dive head first into a wood chipper more than being trapped in the middle of a group of Vegans.  I guess I understand some people don’t eat meat because they don’t like the taste, but everybody has the right to be a pussy.  It’s the people who don’t eat meat for the “ethical” reasons that really make my blood boil.  I could go on a rant for hours about this, but I am going to cut straight to the point – their logic is fucking retarded.  The same amount of chickens, pigs, turkeys, and cattle are going to be domesticated and slaughtered for human consumption regardless of how many salads you eat.  Basically what I’m saying is you are not making a difference at all.  You’re just being really fucking annoying.